The stats and dilemma of the day

My first post....the pressure of it all. I guess it is best to start with the background.....I am a thirty-three year old woman who is trying to balance the demands of motherhood, marriage, graduate school, and part time employment. It is the typical story and if you are reading this, you are probably living it right now. Somedays I find complete humor in it all, other days I barely survive. All in all this definitely is not how I imagined my life at 33 (not bad, just different).

I knew it would be hard that is why I kept putting off the idea of having a child. All this self doubt crept in....can I handle it, how will this fit with my life plan (ha ha ha), and am I capable of being a good mom? I based my previous life on reading and assessing research...surely the journey of childhood is well researched and documented. I will read my way into enlightenment. I am still reading, reading, researching, and reading.....I am guessing the enlightenment feeling may never come.

Eventually I knew we had to go for it and after a year the stars aligned and Luca was finally conceived. We were bringing another life into the world. Woohoo! I was excited and completely terrified at the same time (remember that feeling?). Since that day the same question runs through my head....am I ready for this? I asked myself that very question this week when our 18 month old decided 4:45 a.m. was the best time to start our day.

I was ready for the sleepless nights (you get used to it after awhile), diapers, late night feedings, milestones, first laughs, and endless amounts of playtime. I wasn't ready for the overwhelming feeling of love I have for this tiny being. He can make me melt in about two seconds. I constantly strive everyday to make life better for him.

The biggest surpises are the quirks of our child. I wasn't ready for the long list of food allergies. I wasn't ready for the delays in speech and development. I wasn't ready for the large amount of guilt I continue to feel each day because of these quirks. I just finished meeting with the case worker who manages Luca's development and speech therapies (therapy starts next week). I can't help but wonder....what should I have done differently? I know this is best for Luca but the feelings of guilt, anxiety, sadness just creep in. Details on this all for another blog....Luca is up and ready to rock.

I feel like this is a public therapy session.....letting out the thoughts and feelings that often just swirl through my head. Wouldn't it be great if motherhood just came with free therapy sessions?